tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
