I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
