You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
