I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
