She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
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