I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
