hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
