Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
