No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
