A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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