Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
