just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
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The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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