why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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