Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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