You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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