It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
