I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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