Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
