Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
