I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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