I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
