im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
