i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
