I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
