Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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