Sry I called you an 8
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
