I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I touched a dick in church today
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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