Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Randomize
