we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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