I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
