the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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