I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
