look no pants
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
