fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
