Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
