He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
