I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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