dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
