The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
