Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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