Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
my nose is crying tears of wow.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
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