The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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