I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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