You're so nebulous sometimes
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
