bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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