New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
