The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
