I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
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