he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
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HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
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Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize