R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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