talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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