he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Randomize
