You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
